The New Cs in Town
Short and punchy, the word cunt has long held status as the worst slur a man can impose on a woman. It sounds ugly. Say it out loud, it ends with a spit. During the grooming stage, my abuser let me know the C word wasn't in his vocabulary unless, of course, the woman's behavior warranted it.
Had I not been naive, I would have noticed his twisted caveat for what it was, a form of coercive control. Had I noticed, I might have moved him into the discard pile and kept on dating. If I could have named and identified coercive control, I would not have married him, not had children with him and not have had to divorce him.
No spoiler alert: My behavior would, of course, eventually warrant the word being hurled at me.
In June of this year, the State of Connecticut passed a bill making coercive control a criminal offense, falling under the law of domestic violence. The bill defines coercive control as a pattern of threatening, humiliating, or intimidating acts that harm a person and deprive them of their freedom, autonomy and their human rights.
Coercive control can be overt and blatant like breaking down doors or punching walls. It can also be covert— carefully nuanced and subtle— tiny little transgressions that erode a person over time. That's part of the thrill for the perpetrator, learning how little they have to do to keep their victim in compliance. It is also why it is so difficult to prove in a courtroom. And if the abuser has money and means to do battle in court or, as in my case, is connected within the system, even more so.
My slant comes from a desire to recognize the patriarchy bred within my blue-collared Catholic, French-Canadian heritage. I see coercive control as pervasive within culture, society, country, world and history. Collusion with abusers takes on many forms. Fear makes you a victim. Silence, acceptance, apathy and ignorance make you a colluder.
I'm doubling down on the C word. Give me a nice round pair of Cs to put out front and center. I'll use them to send the hairs to rise on the backs of abusers that try to engage in coercive control on my watch.
That's right, offender, this sweet pair is for you. Your word's no good here. Move along.
This space is designed to be an exploration on the subject of coercive control. It's also a place to share my personal experience to show the longterm impacts of living under the rule of coercive control. It can serve as an information tool for those wanting to make changes within an outdated and collapsing system that does more to protect abusers than victims. I want to ask questions, find answers, grow awareness and community.
I'm a survivor of domestic abuse. Coercive control devastated my family. I'm rebuilding so that I can do more than survive. I want to thrive.
I'm Carmen, I can. Don't tell me I can't.
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